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I could tell he saw me too, in a moment of passing. And while Ben is congenial, and perfectly pleasant, I start to get the feeling that he's a little bored. After each date, I feel the urge to call someone, to tell them what I just did, to brag. I am less sure that I want to be Ben's entertainment when Miri isn't home, however. From anyone else, this would elicit an eye-roll from me, but it rings with the tenor of truth from him. I'm emboldened by my ability to get what I want, and it translates to how Adam and I sleep together, too. It wasn't, I learned, the threesomes that I most craved. It only took two unanswered texts before I never heard from them again.
But it was truly momentary, and we passed like people on the street pass one another daily, with only a flickering spark of recognition. It's such a pain." She only has the energy to date women sporadically, that much Ben makes very clear -- and it had been quite a dry spell, dating wise for them as a couple. But from the sound of it, there have been plenty of us, over the years. Much of his time is spent keeping house for Miri, who makes more money than he does (they're both so frank about this fact), and so Ben is responsible for keeping the house clean, getting dinner on the table. That I wanted to do something that seemed porny, unattainable, and weird. Because if I can arrange for regular threesomes, what CAN'T I do, really, when it comes to sex? They were fun, but already, about a year later, I don't remember them that well. My guess, but not my excuse (there is no excuse, only the explanation of cowardice) is that they have played this game before. My relationship with Adam, on the other hand, escalated. I think often about what Miri said, about how the women they dated always got married right after.
She is not his wife, she is not mother to his children, she is not his parents' daughter-in-law.
Her chance for happiness hinges on a future that is highly uncertain, to say the least.
At the time, we were still trying to be polyamorous -- having realized we were in love, but also dubious of monogamy -- and while the endeavor made us both uncomfortable we were also both deeply invested in seeking an arrangement that suited us. And part of that entailed being honest about the need for varied sexual attention.
Coincidentally, Adam is also neighbors with Ben and Miri.
You need to step back and identify the priorities -- your priorities -- in a relationship with a married man. Ensuring you have a life distinct from his that is your safe haven can make being the other woman, if not a secure, permanent position, at least one that is a bit more tolerable.
*name changed Kristen Houghton is the author of the hilarious new book, No Woman Diets Alone - There's Always a Man Behind Her Eating a Doughnut in the top 10 hot new releases at Amazon available now on Kindle, Nook, and all e-book venues. Stop Sabotaging Your Happiness and Put Your Own Life First" is ranked in the top 100 books by Tower You may email her at [email protected]
Her close circle of friends might know about her affair, but she really cannot let anyone else, such as colleagues or her family, know.
She is alone most of the time and spends it waiting: waiting for her married lover to call, to come meet her, to share some precious time together.
"Whenever we find a new girl," Miri tells me, on maybe our fourth date. "All she wants is for someone to go shopping with," Ben says. "And to fuck." What she actually wants, I'm learning, is for someone to keep Ben company. But much of the time, dates start or end without her there. If you asked me, specifically, what we did, I could probably only provide you with the broad strokes. With a new engagement ring on my finger, I wonder if dating a couple may be a really great way to transition into a more serious level of commitment with a partner.